It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
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