phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
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