My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
