It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
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