Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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