She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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