Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
