You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
She told me I should be a condom model.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
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