Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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