god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
