I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
