do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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