I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize