Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
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