WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
My underwear smells like fireworks.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
After tacos, we're chasing women.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Randomize
