I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
i voted for prop eight dipshit. more weddings = more CAKE.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
He? As in you personified your dick?
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
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