I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
