and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize
