I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Randomize
