I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
I think my vagina is haunted
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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