Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
