Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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