I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
Randomize
