I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Randomize
