I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Randomize