the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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