Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Randomize
