I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
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