this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
