I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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