The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
Randomize
