a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
Randomize
