didnt we say no more talking to eachother
it will help you get over me i promise
im horny
ok i will unlock the door
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
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