He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Randomize
