my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Vodka?
Forever.
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
Randomize