On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
do nipples grow back?
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
Randomize
