dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
Randomize
