Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Randomize
