Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
Randomize
