I think im going to throw up on grandma
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
Randomize
