I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Randomize
