Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Randomize
