So someone put the baby mannequins in sex positions
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
