I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Randomize
