New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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