boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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