When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
there is glitter all over my balls
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
