we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Randomize
