you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
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