hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
Randomize
