I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Randomize
