Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
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