I think my vagina is haunted
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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