he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Randomize
