The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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