he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
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