I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
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