Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
