I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
Randomize
