I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
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