btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Randomize
