i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
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