my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
