Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
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